Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
