WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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