Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
