Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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