Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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