Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
