Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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