i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
