so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
