I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
