how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
