Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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