I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
