I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Randomize
