Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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