I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
