just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Randomize
