please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
