Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
