Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize