the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
