I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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