Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
