he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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