we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
