Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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