At least make sure they are 18
Why
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize