I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
