when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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