Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
