My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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