"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
