You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
