If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
