No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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