How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
