A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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