I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
