Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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