He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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