you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
