i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I wear drunk well.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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