A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
