Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Help. Why am I so naked?
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