You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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