I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
