my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
