I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
