you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
