So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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