That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
