he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
