I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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