Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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