Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
you made out with another girl for some wings
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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