FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize