Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
