If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Randomize
