I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
