You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
