Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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